The sadness that fills the place right now.

This blog entry will be far different from the other posts, so please bear with me.

Father's day is fast approaching (June 15). In the midst of thinking of what I should and can do for that day, I can't help but be sad with the news my mother told me two weeks ago.

My dad lost his 8-year job. Yes, 8 years of his life was all gone and that is because of one single mistake. Before 2013 ended, this certain issue has been discussed at home and luckily, this has been left under wraps because it was solved and my dad just got reprimanded for his actions. But unfortunately, it was discovered again by the company's client and darn, he got terminated. He had his last day of work on May 28th.

I have mixed emotions for this. I am happy that my dad ended his tenure with the company. Frankly speaking, it was not a good company at all because there were some instances that they usually put their employees' health at stake. I know for a fact that the bottom line is, that is business and at the end of the day, it's all about numbers. And I definitely OBJECT that practice.

After 2 weeks of his termination, honestly speaking, my heart is breaking every time I see my dad. Yes, he spends a lot of time with us right now but gosh, his eyes are swollen and he got high fever last weekend because of fatigue, not to mention, the scorching heat of the sun (that pesters my whole being every afternoon) but he still asks for patience from me and mama. He keeps on saying that he will do his very best to land a better job. He walks, walks and walks until he reach his destination. He asks for friends' and former colleagues help (Sorry papa for reading your Facebook messages whenever you leave it open). As far as I know, he went to every job interview he was scheduled to, but ended up either being on the waiting list for the scheduled final interview or failed because he could not meet the technical skills that he needs to pass. Then, again, IT BREAKS MY HEART EVERY SINGLE TIME.

My dad's not getting any younger. He's already 54. Other 54-year old fathers these days are either retired or just resting at home because their children are providing things for them or others are waiting for their retirement. Every time I see them, I could not help but wonder, WHY IS HE NOT ONE OF THEM? My dad's not perfect, but he is a good man. Definitely a good man. He has done a lot of bad things in the past, but definitely, he is a good father. He is sometimes a pain in the ass, but definitely, he is a good provider.

At some point, I blamed myself for being a selfish daughter at times. How could I be so heartless for just thinking of myself to the point that I just stare at him and don’t give him any reaction whenever he asks me to help him? How could I be so self-centered to think that he can do every thing since he is the head of the household? How could I be so heartless to think that at the age of 22, I can really help him and stand as his assistant in terms of financial matters at home?

Before I went to work two nights ago, he caught me staring in front of my laptop and crying. He asked me what’s the matter, but I could not say that he is the reason behind my unstoppable sobbing. He hugged me and asked for forgiveness and more patience. Maybe he knew that I was crying because of pity and I can’t look him in the eye because I might not stop. Obviously, I cried even harder. The last time I cried that hard to him was when I knew that I failed a major subject way back in college. Same scenario, I didn’t tell him the reason.

I’ve been out of my mind for two days already and thinking of possible things I can do to help him but I just can’t.

I don’t go to church and I admit that I am an irresponsible Catholic after all. But I asked for God’s help, blessing and guidance for my family. That we can get through hard times like this and I also asked for His forgiveness for being an irresponsible daughter that somehow caused my dad’s suffering right now.

To papa, advance happy father’s day! I love you and I am sorry for being self-centered.

* Thanks for reading, dear reader.