At 21, I come to realize...

How does it feel when you're 22? Simple. Very, very simple. You feel more alive than ever. Why? Because I did. Another year has been given to me, so I feel alive. More than anything else, whoever you are or in whatever social group you belong to, you should feel alive.

I have a few things in my mind before I step on another age ladder; (1) Who will be the very first person to greet me on my exact birthday?; (2) Will there be any surprises in store for me?; (3) Where should I spend the first hours of my special day?, but as minutes tick closer to the 25th of March, I begin to wonder that maybe, no, I think I should scratch those out. I begin to wonder that IT IS NOT REALLY IMPORTANT whether who, how should other people remember me today. It is how I remember and acknowledge my own life.

I have been down before, well, maybe, at this moment, still pertaining to what I feel, which is a bit down, I am still here. I have been a through a lot of things. Some, still make me feel as if I am amputated or whatever and they love to test me as a person. These tests perhaps, wants to remind me that I am no super heroine who can do anything nor a person who is capable of everything.

At 21, I come to realize that I have been this selfish to think that everything I do matters, that everything I live for is essential. I was wrong. I was really wrong.

At 21, I come to realize too, that life is not about work. Life is more on what makes me whole as person and the people around me. My family, my friends, my mentors and other people whom I just met but chose to stay beside me. And work? That is just a small part of my life and I should not live for it.

At 21, I come to realize that no matter how people push me to do things, I should and I will stand by my choices. I live by and with my choices. Regrets are always at the end of the road, so before I reach that point, I'd rather give up in the middle or die standing for it.

At 21, I come to realize who my real friends are. These are the people who wants to be part of my life no matter how hard I push them away. They are the ones who are more than willing to be shock absorbents I need in life. People who wants to be part of my every day journey. 

People left me as if I did nothing for them. I ignored another set of people because I don't feel important. The sad thing about leaving and being left is one's mindset that he is the only one in pain. We all get hurt and it depends on how we handle ourselves and the situation for us to move on. It's not an easy task, but who knows? The next time we get hurt, we can pick ourselves from the dust we were once part of.

I am now 22 years old. Since I started to think of other sake, I get hurt and sadly, I hurt others too. I always get stuck in the middle of everything and just let things go by my way without holding it. I just watch people come and go, in and out of my life. I let myself be jealous and I did not fight for the one I truly love. I did not take a step to make a change.

I am sure that God has given me another year to do things that I didn't do and gave me more time so that I can accomplish them. He knows I have plans in life that, at the age of 21, I was not able to do. :)


Before I go to bed, I always thank God for another day and for the gift of family, friends and everything He has given me despite being sinful and not worthy of His blessings. But, definitely, He is indeed good. He still gives me things and people, which I think I don't need but will play/play a vital role in life and that is for me to find out.

It all boils down to a simple prayer in the morning: Thank You for waking me up when I am about to start my day.

22. More plans, more adventures, more people and more blessings every day.

Happy birthday to me! :D

And I was like TORN between...

Helping myself out on my own and seeking professional help.


Before 2011 ended, one month to go to be exact, I did another stupid act that made me think of choosing what was mentioned above. I mean, it is a very personal issue to tackle it with a friend or someone whom I trust. Actually, I was really worried with myself and still asking what happened, what's happening and what will happen to me if I'll be able to choose one.


(I will mention what I've been through that week. But it was really an emotional, psychological and effing week for me. Forgot the dates 'cause it was really a heck of unfortunate events that I need to drop it off)


I visited my ninang, who is also a psychiatrist. I was on my own, 'cause I don't want my parents to know that I went to a professional instead of talking to them. I was having jitters as I walk through the hospital corridors and looking for someone to turn to.


As I entered the room, I saw nothing but piles of psychiatric books. I am afraid to dare myself to get one, but I ended up reading one. The book is about, well obviously, about disorders and unusual behavior and its causes. My eyes was nailed to one page and read the whole thing about it.


It is about SCHIZOPHRENIA.


As I was absorbing what I've read, my ninang came and asked me what pushed me to pay a visit, but since she is a psychiatrist and a stargazer of her own (Just joking! LOL), I think she already knew what made me ride a jeep, a bus and a tricycle from PUP-Sta. Mesa to North Fairview.


She let me speak and be calm at the same time. I told her the whole story and she gave me some advice on how to get over it and move on. Then eventually, she told me that I have symptoms of SCHIZOPHRENIA. She said, I need to seek for professional help and she'd be very willing to extend a hand, rest assured that no one in the family will know; but as per her words, she reiterates that finding a friend to talk to at times and can be a constant companion, is the best cure of all. She even said these lines, "Learning to trust that person maybe hard, but for you to help yourself, it is best to find that person and spill what's on your heart and mind." (OH C'MON! HAHAHA)


But seriously speaking, I am really torn between finding that person and seeking professional advice.


Do I sound LIKE I need help?